2016 a year of growth

2016 a year of growth…..

I started January 2016 the way I left 2015, feeling emotionally and physically drained but I knew I had to give it all I had. Just 3 more months and it would all be over! Looking back I can admit that I took on too much in 2015. After a very busy start to the year, setting up the social enterprise, working, completing the spirometry course, completing the frontline programme from the NHS Leadership academy and numerous other projects. I started the prescribing course in September and by the end of the year I had nothing left, I wanted to give up but then I had a wakeup call. I failed the numeracy exam. Me fail? I couldn’t believe I had failed! I always had a fear of failing. That was my drive, the fear of failing was an energy that spurred me on. I felt like it happened for a reason as I don’t think I would have had the energy or motivation to complete the work in the New Year.

Oooh but my ego took a beating. The first thing I thought was well how many others failed? I didn’t want to be a failure on my own. I could feel embarrassment and disappointment in my heart. I was in shock I couldn’t believe it. But it was OK I wasn’t too worried as I only got one question wrong and I could re-sit it and I always get 100% any other time. Like I said everything happens for a reason and this was to help me deal with my fear of failing and help me focus.

So for those next few months I worked hard. January I had to go to court as a witness, as a patient assaulted a colleague. That was quite a stressful time being cross examined. It makes you realise that documentation really is important and that things that seem insignificant can be really big things.

In February I attended a training event to become a trainer for education for health. I don’t know what they must have thought of me, by this point I was almost ready to give up again. I don’t think I have ever felt so drained in my life.

I don’t know where I found the energy from but by Easter I managed to complete my essays, portfolio and exam for the prescribing course and was thankful that I passed them!

My resit for the numeracy exam was due in the summer, just before this stress had been building at work and then we had 2 very serious incidents. I can’t discuss here but the stress of that and an incident at home led to one of the worst things that could have ever happened to me. I thought I was going to lose my mind!

I attended BLS with my colleague when all of a sudden “boom” I can only try and explain what happened to me that day because I have never experienced anything like that before. I felt like my mind had become detached from my body that I was not in control anymore. My heart started racing and all I felt was fear and I didn’t know why. I was trying to reassure myself that everything was ok but I was panicking and I had to get out of there. I was trying to act “normal” and went to the toilet to try and bring myself round but it was no good. What was I going to do? I’ve never felt so scared in my life, I felt really hot and nauseous.  I finally decided to try and go back in the room, as I got there, they were coming out for a break. Luckily I’m very close to my colleague she asked me what was wrong with me I told her I didn’t know. I said there was something really wrong with me and I was trying to hold it together. I told her I had to leave, that I was really sorry but I couldn’t go back in there and I would call her later. Wow what was I doing?  But there was no way I could go back in there I felt like I was about to go crazy. I set off walking from the university through town I felt so scared my hands were trembling. I felt really nervous and anxious it was really overwhelming. I walked all the way home but didn’t really know what to do with myself. I was pacing up and down trying to work out what was wrong with me. A few hours later after the course finished she called to my house, by this point I had brought myself round. I couldn’t believe what had happened I felt so stupid! I apologised for leaving but thanked her for not thinking I was silly.  I was OK but it had shook me up a bit. Later that night I went to bed and boom!!! There it was again I couldn’t believe it my heart was beating so fast and hard I thought it was going to explode. I was really panicking wondering what I could do. I tried to lie on the bed but I was so restless and fidgety I had to keep getting up, I was so tired but couldn’t sleep. I felt sick, I could hardly breathe I felt like I was going to die, it was the most frightening feeling. I am a regular meditator but I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t relax my mind there was nothing I could do. Why was I feeling like this? What was wrong with me? Would I feel like this forever? I’ve been through some really bad times in my life and suffered with depression before I started meditating a few years ago. I’ve felt stressed and anxious but never experienced anything so scary in my life.

I went to work the next day exhausted, with everything that had been going on at work I didn’t dare tell anyone at work that I had walked out of BLS. I was trying my best to act normal even though I felt like I was going to die. I am so glad I had my colleague to confide in, who didn’t judge me and supported me. I saw a Dr and got some medication to help my symptoms, but even with diazepam I didn’t get any sleep the next night. Even though I had this dread and fear and full of negative energy. I was trying to stay positive, telling myself that nothing is permanent and it won’t last forever. That it is happening for some reason and I will be ok once I get through it. I don’t think I truly understood prior to this, how patients actually felt when they have told me they suffer with anxiety and panic attacks. I didn’t appreciate how it actually made them feel. I really  don’t  know how I got through those next 2 weeks and I don’t think I’d have made it without the beta blockers and diazepam. I’ve never needed medication like that before and I still had insomnia for a week. I had to send my children to my mums for a short time I was just about functioning myself. I couldn’t look after them. I felt so ashamed and guilty and a bit of a failure. Sometime in this crazy state I went and retook the numeracy exam because I daren’t not go to that after walking out of BLS. 

Just after that episode when I was coming back to “normal” Sarah saw a job advertised at the hospital for Respiratory Nurse Specialist. She told me to apply for it, that it was meant to be because she never looks on NHS jobs and something had told her to. So I applied for the job even though it was only a 12 month contract covering maternity leave.

The good news was I got the job! The bad news was I failed the numeracy again by one question so that meant I had failed the course! So here it was my biggest fear staring me right in the face. But it was ok I was alive! I still had my job, I still had my mind! I was lucky and only felt like that for a short time. To think that some of my patients have to live with it for a long time and often have long term conditions as well. I can see why some people find things too much and sadly take their own lives. Your mind can either be your best friend or your worst enemy and you are stuck with those thoughts 24/7. After all that work I had done I thought I should try so I put in for extenuating circumstances to see if I could have one more try being of sane mind. It was refused even though I had a Drs letter as it did not provide evidence that I would have been unable to engage with the University’s extenuating circumstances procedure at the time of the assessment.

They advised me that if I was not happy I could contact the Office of the Independent Adjudicator for Higher Education. I decided I should do that as I feel I give 110% to my job I’m never off the sick. The amount of money the NHS spent on the course and the time of the Dr to support me. The one time I needed some support and understanding and I didn’t feel I was getting it. So I took it to OIA and asked my GP to write me another supporting letter. I was caught up in emotion I felt they didn’t understand! Like I didn’t understand before this happened to me so I asked her to write my symptoms and how I had felt at the time. To try and express what I was going through at that time. Around this time I started my new job. Even though it can be scary starting a new job I was so excited and felt like a huge weight had been lifted. As these last three months have passed I can feel myself coming back to normal my energy has returned and I’m feeling better than ever.

Last week I received an email to say even though it is disappointing the university followed their guidelines and procedures and my new letter still didn’t specifically say that I was unable to engage with the University’s extenuating circumstances procedure at the time of the assessment. So unfortunately there is nothing more I can do. So there it is I failed. But that was just the way it was meant to be, I have faced my fears now and let it go. There is no point stressing over things you can’t change. I have no more fears now, I have been on a journey for the past few years pushing myself and overcoming my fears.  I have had so many ups and downs but now I feel ready for 2017. I feel like everything I have been through has been preparing me for what is going to be the best year of my life! I don’t know what will happen yet my contract will end and I have no plans but I feel more confident and I am so excited for the future! So 29^th December I will be saying goodbye England, goodbye 2016. I started the year on a low and ending it on high. I will be celebrating the new year in India receiving special teachings from HH Dalai Lama having some R&R before the fun of 2017 begins ;)

#self development #growth #journey