The Fear of Death

On 19th May 2015 I was in Manchester airport about to leave England for a trip of a lifetime to Kathmandu. It was 3 weeks since the first devastating earthquake hit Nepal. I had already planned the trip before the earthquakes, to stay at Kopan Monastery ( http://www.kopanmonastery.com/) for Buddhist teachings on death and dying. The trip was for my personal spiritual development but also to see if I could transfer anything I had learnt into my daily practice. I am on a bit of mission at the moment to try and improve the end of life care for respiratory patients in Leeds.

 
Waiting to board the plane was one of the weirdest experiences I have ever felt. I was truly living in the moment, something I had never been able to achieve before. I wasn't looking back and I could see no future. I really didn't know what to expect, except I thought I was going to a place like hell. I also wondered if I would ever walk back through these gates again.

 
When the first earthquake hit all my friends and family asked if I was still going, of course I was! They accepted it but when the second earthquake hit they obviously all became very worried. No one wanted me to go, everyone was asking me to cancel. Before the earthquake came I had said to my mum there was a deeper meaning for me to go to Nepal I didn't know what it was but I had to go. Maybe if I hadn't had that feeling I would have possibly cancelled, who knows? But I just knew I had to go and that I would be ok.

 
It was quite an emotional time with people saying negative things, that I shouldn't go, that I was selfish. I was trying to reassure them that it would be ok. My new mantra for this year has been "it will be fine!" Then suddenly I had a thought! How ignorant I had been! I was feeling like nothing could happen to me and that I will live forever. But in reality something could happen to me, after all I was going for teachings on death and dying, and that we are not as permanent as we seem to think.

 
So I thought I should plan for the worst just in case. Trying to talk about death and planning things with family and friends was like talking to a brick wall! No one wanted to discuss things with me and they wouldn't listen to my wishes, some even started to get a little angry! So I decided to write some letters with my wishes instead, I got quite emotional writing them. Not for myself but for my family I would be leaving behind. They would be upset and angry with me and maybe I was selfish. I hoped they would understand if anything did happen. Previously I was very scared of death, but I'm not scared to die now. If I would have died I would have been quite happy with the life I have lived, I don't have any regrets. If I didn't go to Nepal I would have regretted it for the rest of my life and I really don't want to die with any regrets!

 
When I arrived in Nepal I was so shocked at how normal everything seemed, it was like nothing had happened, life goes on! I really hadn't expected that. As we left the airport in the taxi all the roads were manic, then a random cow would cross the road and slow all the traffic down. We drove past tent cities, and places where buildings had collapsed in between busy shops. I had never experienced anything like it.

 
During my time there we experienced a few aftershock tremors and earthquakes that were quite scary at times. One night I was laid in my tent and all I could hear was the sound of heavy rain, thunder and lightening. At the same time I could feel the earth moving underneath me I started to feel the fear rise in me I really thought I might die. What could I do? The aim for Buddhists and everyone else for that matter is to have a peaceful death. I decided to say some mantras in my head to pacify the thoughts which seemed to work as the fear disappeared and I felt at peace.

 
Another time I was in the library on the first floor when an earthquake came, the whole building started shaking but I just panicked and froze! I didn't know what to do or what to think, about 1000 thoughts raced through my mind all at once. There was a monk with me and I just looked at him for guidance, we didn't say anything to each other we just stayed still and then it eased off. We both kind of relaxed a bit and I must have had the look of relief but then it came back again! Come on let's go! He shouted and we both ran out of the room, down the stairs and into the courtyard. My heart was beating, my legs were shaking and I was scared!

 
The night before we came home, we were laid in the tent and an earthquake came. It was awful because we could hear the people down below in the valleys screaming then shouting at each other. I guess to see if they were all ok. I felt lucky because I would be out of there this time tomorrow, but felt sad at the same time these people could not escape it. There was no where to run or no where to hide.

 
The whole experience did make me realise how we take this life for granted. Obviously I thought a lot about death and how we deal with it in western society. We don't like to talk about death do we? As a nurse I had felt uncomfortable talking about death up until about two years ago. I was at the PCRS annual conference and there was a session on palliative care. I was sat next to a doctor and we had a little discussion. I said oh I don't talk about end of life!! That's not my job, I leave it to the district nurses or community matrons etc.

 
Why not? She asked, do you not think it would be nice for you to have those kind of conversations as they know you and you have a relationship with them. Why did I not have these kind of conversations with people? I was scared! I didn't know what to say to them, I didn't want to upset them by saying the wrong thing. I didn't know what I was doing, I haven't had any training on this kind of thing. I was full of negative excuses, that were all fear based but it did get me thinking!

 

After that I slowly pushed myself to start to overcome my fears. If a patient made a comment like "I'm going to die anyway" when discussing things like smoking cessation, I didn't dismiss it. I started to ask questions, well have you thought about when you die? What would you like? Do you have a will? Gradually over time my conversations are getting better and patients have been thankful for the conversations. I still have a long way to go but I will keep trying! As clinicians we are lucky now, PCRS have developed some tools to help us with end of life care. https://www.pcrs-uk.org/equip hopefully they will help more people receive better end of life care.

 

Mel

 

P.S If people like to fundraise for charities or would like to donate to a children's home that we found please contact leedsrespiratory.network@nhs.net . This home rescues children who are trafficked, abandoned and sold by their parents. The home has been totally destroyed by the earthquakes and they are quite desperate.

#RespEd #COPD #EOL #Nursing #compassion